TRIGGER WARNING!: this post contains explicit detail.
This isn’t really a parenting post but lets have a break from that for a week.
So I have seen a lot of people doing this ‘Dear My Younger Self’ posts so I thought I would give it ago, think long and hard about what I would say to my younger self…
Keep reading if you want to know what I would have said.⬇️
So ever since I was 7 years old I have had a tough time not just with my epilepsy and my now mental health but with childhood in general I thought my childhood days were difficult… However I never knew what difficult was until I turned 14.
So this is my first time telling the world what went on when I was younger… ever since I was in school I was never popular I was the kid that always ate lunch by herself (Sad I know) but this kept going on till I left high school and was also bullied such as I had yoghurt thrown at me aswell as a milkshake. I was always insecure about myself and it has seemed to have got worse now seeing as I have had a child, I have what’s called ‘The mum tum’ to which I’m in the process of working on my weight etc. anyway…
So I’m 14 years old it’s my 14th birthday I have a few friends round film night it is…
I wish it turned out like that.
One of the people I invited over was my sort of boyfriend but wasn’t (If that even makes sense) basically I don’t class it as a boyfriend as I was so young, Anyway the film we all decided to watch was ‘stardust’ there wasn’t enough seats in the living room so the guy I was seeing invited me over to sit on his lap to which I did I didn’t see any harm in it.
He had other ideas, I was getting sleepy but tried to fight it, I had a belt on so I didn’t think anything of it, I trusted him… He tried numerous amount of times to undo my belt to which I kept doing it back up and I told him no!.. He said okay and I thought that was the end I wont go into to much detail but if you cant tell already then yes I was sexually assaulted in my sleep.
I remember waking up mid way I asked him what he was doing there was no reply I was too scared to move as everyone else was asleep in the living room and I didn’t want to wake everyone up most of all get the guy into trouble.
The next day on his lap afraid to move during the night but as soon as everyone came downstairs such as my mum and dad I went upstairs to bed, I shut my bedroom door of course my mum came in I said I was feeling sick so was just going to sleep. So she went downstairs but then the horrid moment where I just wanted to be left I just wanted him to leave he came up to me and said “I’m going now”. My reply was “Okay talk to you later.” That I did not. Yes I heard from him again but the days got longer and the replies got less. Yes this was the reason my mental health was triggered and why I haven’t got better since.
What 5 points would I say to my younger self?
- It wasn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong. Speak up tell people about what happened, Tell the police.
- Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t mean you aren’t loved, Them people at your school of course they don’t care but they’re not the ones who matter and mean something to you, You will never see them people again once you leave.
- Not only that never let anyone treat you with disrespect because you are still a human being and so is the person disrespecting you.
- When someone kicks you down get back up again because showing them you’re strong and happy will kill them inside.
- Just enjoy the childhood you have and make the most of it because its not much better being grown up and having bills to pay!.
What would you say to your younger self?